This post should be very interesting. This post wasn’t my initial
idea but needless to say I was inspired to give some insight into when/how and
why I “came out” a while ago. Most of my
friends and family know by now and either have accepted or just don’t give a damn,
and that’s cool with me. I guess I was one of the few lucky people to find
acceptance with my friends and family.
As far as I can remember, I always had a slight inkling that
I was gay. And by that I mean I didn’t even know what it meant to be gay. At
the age of maybe 8 or 9 I knew I had this attraction to other boys and I knew
it wasn’t exactly normal and not something you talked about out in the open, so
I suppressed it. Somewhere around middle school my hormones kicked in and I
remember watching a music video and all I could really think about was the
shirtless guy in the video. Heck, I even remember being out shopping and seeing
the attractive, half naked male model on the underwear package. If that wasn’t
a warning sign that I was gay, I sure as hell didn’t miss it.
Now, I know most people would say, “Oh it’s just a phase or
go to church and repent and God will make you see that homosexuality is a sin” and all that mess. I did go
to church and I believed it--and I hated myself. I hated that praying about it wasn’t
working and every time I had “lustful”
thoughts, I tried like hell to make it go away. Nothing worked so I preceded to
deny that part of myself and put on a front. Sometimes I would be teased for
not being small and not as tough as most boys my age and it didn’t help that I
was scrawny and looked “soft.”
I don’t know how I made it through middle school but somehow
I did and when I got into high school it was much easier to fake being
straight. Being the youngest of three brothers, it was easy to emulate what
they were doing. Again, just like middle school, I kept quiet and never did
things that would give off vibes that I was gay, but as I look back, maybe i
was wrong. Maybe I listened to a lot of female artists and I always had mostly
female friends. That of course should have been a dead giveaway and I’m pretty
sure my brothers and family noticed. Sometimes they teased me about it but it
was never a big deal.
Throughout 4 years of high school I only had 2 girlfriends
that I “dated” and that was very interesting. The first girl I
dated was a girl named D (not her real name) and we became fast friends in
middle school and during the summer of 8th grade we decided to explore a
relationship. It lasted for a year and were still friends to this day. I guess
you can say I dated her because I needed a cover or because I didn’t know what
the hell I was doing.
The other only girl I ever dated was Andy (not her real name
btw). She was pretty and funny and I really did like her and being with her. I
guess you can say that I felt some kind of affection to her. It’s funny because
while we were dating, she was always the one to have to initiate everything and
it bugged her. She thought that it was because I was shy (which I was) and it
was ultimately the reason we broke up. I think I liked the idea of being with
her and it felt normal. But still, in the back of my mind there was always that
other part of me I kept trying to deny.
I thought I had been doing a good job of erasing my history
on the computer at home and being discreet but one day my brother caught me
looking at gay porn. I was embarrassed and got defensive and tried to deny it
but I knew I wasn’t fooling him.
It took years but eventually I had a conversation with my
oldest brother, to which I denied when he straight up asked me. I wasn’t ready
but I already knew I was gay and wasn’t ready to say it out loud to myself or
anyone.
I’ve always been close to my brothers and since we had Facebook
group, one day the topic came up and I told them I was gay. Surprisingly, they
already knew or had their suspicions but were waiting for me to say something
first. I felt a huge relief that they weren’t pissed at me or wanted to disown
me. Eventually I told other people I was close to and it became a lot easier.
Telling someone about my sexuality is something I still
struggle with because I don’t want people to see one side of me and judge
me--which is their problem, not mine. Being gay isn’t my entire identity and I don’t
parade it in peoples face, yet I don’t feel like I need to hide it anymore. I’m
glad that I no longer have anxiety over someone “finding out”
or what their reaction will be. Coming out has been a huge relief and if I had
the balls to do it earlier in life, I sure as hell would have.
Growing up with so much inner turmoil and self-hate still
effects a lot of people in the LGBT community and I am fortunate to have gotten
through it. There were many times I struggled and wanted to give up but I am so
glad I was able to see that eventually, things have a way of getting better. I
think it is wrong and very devastating to make a person feel less than or worthless
because of their sexual identity. I hope that one day there will be a world
where “coming out” won’t be necessary and people can just live and love freely
without judgement.
